What hurts the most
by crix
Summary: This is a songfic titled 'what hurts the most' by rascal flatts. It started in new moon when Edward left Bella. What if Bella have moved on? When Edward returns, how does he feel? A one shot from Edward's POV.


"Bella..." I whispered softly, my heart breaking to pieces as I crouched on the branch of a tree. I clenched my fists tightly as I looked down at the scene before me. Bella was laughing and chasing Jacob in the rain, both playing childishly and enjoying themselves like kids. They were far enough that I could not hear their minds but I could still see them. The rain was pouring down and I could see each raindrop fall on Bella; her face, her neck and disappearing into her shirt. I gulped when I saw how her clothes were plastered to her, clearly showing every curve of her body. Jacob was shirtless, wearing only faded blue jeans.

"Jake! Stop it!" Bella squealed as Jacob caught her and lifted her single handedly. She quickly tried to reach around him to tickle him.

Jacob chuckled. "Bells, I'm not ticklish remember?"

Bella pouted. "That's so unfair! Why aren't you ticklish?" She tried harder, running her fingers around his bare chest, sides and arms.

I growled. Those fingers used to trail on _my _chest, _my _sides, _my _arms and _my _face. I closed my eyes involuntarily as memories stuck me.

We were in Bella's room and we were cuddling on her bed. Charlie wasn't in the house; he had work to do at the station. I slowly caressed Bella's cheek, slowly trailing my fingers to her jaw and once I reached her chin, I tipped it towards me. She blushed, her cheeks turning pink. I smiled, hearing the extra thump of Bella's heart which was slowly picking up speed. Her heart was now thumping like butterfly's wings. And we didn't even kiss yet. Bella was looking at me, her eyes full of love that were glazing over slightly. She slowly licked her dry lips and my eyes were immediately drawn to it. A shudder ran up my spine. This girl is dangerous was my last thought before I closed the gap and kissed her.

Bella gasped the moment before our lips touched and I couldn't help but smile against her lips. I loved her responses. Then, Bella wrapped her arms tightly around my neck pulling me deeper into the kiss. I could have easily unwrapped her arms but I complied with her silent request. I turned us over so that I was now on top of Bella, leaning on my elbows to take my weight off her. My hands held her face gently to me and I angled the kiss deeper. Feeling that she was going to be out of breath soon, I broke the kiss but continued to trail feather light kisses along her jaw. I inhaled her sweet freesia scent and nuzzled her neck. "Bella" I exhaled and lightly grazed her earlobe. Bella was panting now, her hands moving everywhere; across my chest, my sides and my arms. Hesitatingly, she lifted my shirt and placed her hands underneath it, feeling my chiseled and hard abs.

I immediately stiffened. I was overcome with pure lust for her body. To make things worse, I could now smell it. _Arousal. _Bella's arousal. I knew I had to slow things down before things exploded out of hand. I quickly caught Bella's hands in mine before they could explore further and placed soft kisses on her lips.

"Edward...!" Bella complained. She tried to snatch back her arms to continue what they were doing earlier.

I chuckled, "Did she really think she can snatch back her arms?" I mused silently. I turned us back to our original position in bed and intertwined our hands. I then placed chaste kisses on her and said "Sleep Bella."

Bella looked like she wanted to fight but at last sighed, resigned to her fate. "Stupid, controlled vampire," she muttered but eventually settled down. I let go of her hands to place an arm for her to lie on. She cuddled into my arms. "Lullaby?" she asked waiting for her song.

I smiled and sang her lullaby to her. Her eyes slowly closed and within minutes she was asleep.

The memory slowly faded and I opened my eyes. What I saw before me made me wished my eyes were still closed. Bella and Jacob were now gazing at each other eyes, both of their hearts thumping excitedly. He slide Bella down to the ground but kept his arms wrapped around her waist. "Bella..." he said huskily as he tightened his hold on her and stepped closer to close the distance between them.

"Don't Bella..." I whispered. I prayed that she would move away from him. Even though I knew the reason why I left her was to let her find her own happiness, it still hurts. It hurt _a lot._ I thought my heart was already broken watching them earlier but that was not true. It was merely cracked but now it shattered to pieces as I see Bella herself close her eyes and leaned towards him. Their lips touched and Bella moved her arms upwards, grabbing Jacob's head and pulling him to her.

I stood still like a statue; I could not move, could not break my gaze from them. Seconds seem like hours and I never felt time moving as slowly as I did then. They continued to kiss and I could see the kiss turning more passionate. His arms moved upwards, pushing Bella into his arms deeper until there were no spaces between them. To my horror, I saw one of his hands gripping the hem of her shirt and pushing it up slightly so he could slide his hand on her bare stomach. My fists were clenched tightly and I did not know how much more could I take.

Finally after what seemed like hours, the both of them broke apart to breathe. They were both panting heavily and I saw Bella shivered. "Is it due to the cold from the rain or from the kiss?" I wondered but the latter seemed more likely.

"You're shivering Bells. I'm sorry I didn't notice it" Jacob winced, ashamed of himself for not noticing earlier. "Let's go home; the rain is pouring down harder." He lifted his arms, grabbed her hand and smiled.

"No! I'm not cold! I shivered because you-" Bella stopped mid sentence and blushed realizing at once what she was about to say.

Jacob grinned. "Oh? So you were shivering because..." he trailed off, his lips lightly biting her ear lobe. "Of me?" he whispered in a husky tone in her ear.

Bella blushed even harder. Her heart was beating so hard I was scared that she was going to suffer from cardiac arrest. Her palms pushed against his chest, "N-no.." she tried denying, shaking her head from side to side.

Jacob's grin just widen further. "Let's just go home Bells. Knowing you, you'll get sick from this. We'll continue what we were doing back home." He smiled wolfishly at her, raking his eyes at her body from top to bottom. His breathing speeded up a little. "With you looking like that, I'm surprised at my own self control" he muttered too softly for her to hear.

I saw the both of them running away, holding hands; acting like a lovesick couple. I looked away and slowly unclenched my fists. I nearly broke my own fingers from how hard I was gripping them. If I was a normal human, my flesh would definitely have been broken. Once the two of them were away from my sight, I dropped down from the tree, landing in a crouch. I stood up and tipped my head backwards, letting the raindrops fall on my face directly.

I couldn't even cry even if I wanted to. Too many feelings were buried inside me. Jealousy, sadness, regret, happiness and anger; my most prominent feelings being the first three. I felt the light drops falling on my face and pretended they were my tears.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
That don't bother me  
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out

A part of me wanted to shout and beg Bella to come back to me; to tell her that I have learned my lesson; that I did not, _could not_ stay away from her. The months away were pure _torture_. I could not stay focus. Running, hunting, reading, walking, playing the piano; everything reminded me of her. I tried to continue with my life. I told myself that since I survived without her for decades, I could continue to do so now. But it did not work. _Nothing_ worked. I ran aimlessly without direction. Some days I would be on my way back to Forks before I realized what I was doing. I forced myself to turn back so that she could have a normal, _human_ life. I repeated the mantra in my head "_It's for Bella. It's for Bella. It's for Bella."_ It did not matter though. I still repeated it and each time I turned back was harder than the last.

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though  
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me  
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay  
But that's not what gets me

Finally, I could not make myself stay away from her. I told myself, "I'll just take a peek. If she's doing okay, then I'll go away."

And here I am. I opened my eyes and looked at the spot where Jacob and Bella were wrapped around each other before. I sat down at the exact spot with my legs propped up in front of me. I gripped my forehead with my hands. It was different though. Thinking it and seeing it for myself were two completely separate things. It _hurt_ like nothing did; even more than my transformation. That was a physical pain. This was different. Watching her walk away with _him_ and not do anything about it was the hardest thing I had ever done.

What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And havin' so much to say  
And watchin' you walk away

I focused on breathing in and out evenly. Although I did not need air, breathing calms me down. I lay myself flat on the floor, my arms crossed behind my head. Rain was still falling heavily but I found that the pitter patter rhythm of the rain relaxed me. Closing my eyes, I wondered and wished things could have turned out differently.

If Jasper did not attack, would we still be together? Did I have the self control to overcome my bloodlust? She was my singer, my _la tua cantante_. Perhaps I would have the strength. The last few times we were together, I was more distracted by my... human hormones rather than her sweet, freesia scent. I smiled thinking back of the times I kissed her, cuddled her and watched her sleep.

And never knowin'  
What could've been  
And not seein' that lovin' you  
Is what I was tryin' to do

My smile slipped from my lips. Everything's over now. I wanted her to live her own life, to not be involved in my supernatural world. I could not take her away from her future of growing up and having kids. So I left her. I told her that she didn't deserve me. I laughed bitterly. It was _me_ who did not deserve her; that alone was obvious. I had _killed _people. They were not innocents but who was I to decide their fate? I was still a _murderer_ and worse still, even though I love her, I still hungered for her blood.

I was broken from my thoughts when I heard footsteps coming towards me. "Alice," I said out loud. From what I heard, she was standing behind me but I did not move from my spot.

"Oh, Edward," I could hear her thoughts. "I saw what happened. I wanted to stop you from seeing that but you had already reached here before I could do anything. Just come home Edward. Everyone's worried about you especially Esme. And Jasper is feeling really guilty about what happened. He thinks that everything is his fault."

I sighed. I appreciated my family's good intentions but I did not want to go back home yet. "I'm not going back. Tell Esme that I'm sorry but I still need time. As for Jasper, I don't blame him for what happened. It was bound to happen; a human in a house of vampires. I never should have been close to her in the first place."

"Edward... Bella never looked at any of us differently. She treated us like normal humans."

"I know. That was why I left! She does not deserve to be killed! By any of us or any of our kind!" I quickly stood up, my body trembling with anger.

"We understand. That was why we agreed to leave when you asked us to," she looked at me pointedly.

I calmed myself down. Yes. I got what I wanted, didn't I? She has moved on just like how I thought she would. Time heals all wounds. If that was so, then why was my heart ripping into pieces? My whole world is now in a muted colour. Nothing sparkled, nothing stands out anymore. Before she came into my life, everything was normal. Then she walked into my life and everything changed. I saw colours I have never seen before, never dreamed possible. I marveled at how beautiful the world is and wondered why I never realized it. When I left her, the whole world was muted as if I was looking through a filtered glass. Then I realized it was _her_ that changed my world. It was _her_ that made my world beautiful.

"Edward..?" Alice whispered to me.

I looked at her, raising my eyebrows.

"If you could have made the choice of meeting her or not meeting her, what would you have chose?" she asked me silently.

"Meeting her," I replied without hesitation. My happy moments with her are unrivalled. Even if the result ends with me getting heartbroken, I'll do it over again. All I regret is not telling her I love you enough when we were together. Not showering her with all the love I had for her.

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go  
But I'm doin' it  
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone  
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret  
But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken

Alice hugged me and patted my back. "It'll be okay."

I did not know whether it's a premonition or just calming words. I knew though that I could not be the Edward that I was before. Everything hurts now. I doubt the pain would go away but perhaps I would learn to stand the pain and hold it in. "Let's go back," I told her.

What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And havin' so much to say  
(Much to say)  
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'  
What could've been  
And not seein' that lovin' you  
Is what I was tryin' to do, oh  
Oh yeah

The rain stopped and the clouds were clearing slightly to let in a few rays of sunlight. I looked backwards at the empty street. I closed my eyes and pictured Bella laughing earlier. The picture changed showing a mature Bella in her thirties with Jacob by her side. Both faces were showing contentment as they looked at their children chasing each other. They were in love and living a happy life. I opened my eyes slowly. Looking around the place one last time I whispered, "Goodbye Bella."

What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And havin' so much to say  
(To say)  
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'  
What could've been  
And not seein' that lovin' you  
Is what I was tryin' to do

As I walked back home, I thought to myself. She may think back of me as a remembrance. But I knew that it would be different for me. She was my soul mate, my everything. I would watch over her for the rest of her life. Staying at the sidelines and in the dark, protecting her from harm. I would look after her children as well because they too are a part of her. Then her children's children. For all of eternity, her family would be protected. That I swear with my life.


End file.
